Previously on "Nip/Tuck"...
Look what I made you. It's a Sean bear!
It's my hobby. I make teddies.
Hi, Sean. We're C.A.A.
- Who? - Creative Artists Agency.
You will not take away my Sean.
You want more of the truth? I am going back into porn.
- Where do you belong? - Maybe with you.
OK. So, this you are going to love.
You know who busted her tight little tuchas
and got your booked as a judge on the Miss Teen U.S.A. Pageant?
So, what do you think of that, Dr. Sexy?
And why would my client
be interested in judging a bunch of double-digit I.Q. adolescents
with bulimia breath and tacky bathing suits?
Um, because it beats having lunch with a menopausal agent
with chardonnay breath and an ill-fitting ensemble from Chico's.
Bliss, Colleen's just looking after my reputation. There's no need
- to attack her personally. - Sean, don't worry about me.
This mama lion could eat your little pussycat publicist for brunch,
if she wanted to.
Now, I just nabbed a very classy commercial for you, cookie.
National spokesperson
for the new Sizzler's heart savvy salad bar campaign.
I'm sorry, did you really just suggest
to do commercials for the geriatric community?
Not the kind of thing I'm looking for either.
Sean, our ten o'clock in my office.
Looks like the star-making machinery is working a double-shift in here.
I need you to do the consult without me. We got side-tracked.
Yeah, side-tracked by granma's fantasies of all-you-can-eat-buffets.
By the way, Colleen, did you think about what I asked?
Any new shows looking for a medical advisor who can act?
Let's we begin with two commissions instead of just one, huh?
Christian, I like you. So I'm not going to sell you a line of bullshit.
I took a look at the first episode of Hearts and Scalpels,"
specifically your outtakes.
Acting isn't your thing, honey.
I mean, sean, now, has a gift. He's what we call a natural.
But I just don't have the time to try and build a career
for someone who is untrained and...
untalented.
- Colleen. - Well, it's true.
I'm sorry, honey.
Well, that was nice, Colleen. That's good work.
You know, just get him a gift certificate from Burke Williams.
It always makes me feel better.
Lulu Grandiron.
Dr. Christian Troy. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Your partner's joing us as well, correct?
Actually, my partner is overwhelmed with his other career right now. But...
the good news is, I'm here, and you're my only priority.
So, tell me what you don't like about yourself, Ms. Grandiron.
Call me Lulu, and I'm not here to be interviewed, Dr. Troy.
I'm here to interview you.
I assume you've heard of Dr. William Hammerman?
Plastic surgeon, specializes in society types.
Wouldn't you like to be on the society page, Dr. Troy?
Surgeon to the creme de la creme?
I don't know where you're getting your information, but
I'm not hurting for business.
Darling, I'm not talking about all those dreary little starlets.
I'm offering you a shot at the true elite in this town.
We're the ones who put all those nerdy boys in power,
taught them everything they know, and then
divorced them and took all their money.
Back up a second. What do you mean--
offering me a shot?
Hammerman is retiring.
My girlfriends and I need a new plastic surgeon. We've been...
interviewing candidates, and
we want you to come to a dinner party so we can get to know you.
Saturday at 9:00.
Black tie.
I'm a plastic surgeon, not a gigolo,
and I'm not looking to be picked over by a pack
- of bitter divorcees. - Bitter?
Quite the opposite. We have it all...
experience, no one to answer to,
and all that money.
We'll set a place for you, just in case you
come to your senses.
Transcript: swsub.com
Synchro: _/Yellow Sub\_
Synchro: Metalmarco::ITA-SA::
Season 5 Episode 12 Lulu Grandiron
There are 7 signs of the apocalypse, right? Not 2.
You 2 some sort of couple now?
More like a team.
When she and Ram saw the video I made with Aidan,
- they offered me a deal at Penetrate. - To do porn. Nice.
Eden is one of the most natural talents I've seen in a long time...
well, since myself. And we just had to snatch her up.
You mean, suck her into that deep hole of whoredom
where you spent most of your miserable life?
We didn't come here for your approval.
- We need your help. - Well, since you've come to the wizard,
I'm sorry to say that we have no more brains left. Or hearts.
Jesus. What happened?
I was filming my first sex scene with Kimber, and she hit me,
but it was brilliant.
We're shooting my new film "Inside Kimber Henry"...
it's very arty. It's all about self-exploration.
And since Ram's taken over my career,
he's only allowing me to do sex scenes with women now.
And this was sort of an homage to the younger me, when I was a virgin.
The scene called for me to make love to a younger Kimber
to express my forgiveness of all of her youthful indiscretions.
Eden was tremendous.
So, we're both climaxing, right?
- Where out of nowhere, she yells... - Hit me.
Hit me.
I'm a little whore, and you need to hit me.
I ad libbed a little.
I wanted something memorable for my first film.
And sadomasochism came to mind?
It's the only way to become a star nowadays. You got to make an impression.
- I'm going to take a look. - What's there to look at, Sean?
I wouldn't fix it. Maybe it will knock some sense into her.
Well, guess what, Christian? We don't want you to fix it.
Sean's the marquee talent at Mcnamara/Troy, and stars flock to stars.
Celebrity is a club, and it's one you haven't been invited to join.
And you know, I feel bad for you, baby, I really do,
because you never had any real talent,
and your only strength was your own star power.
And how disappointing it must be for you to realize
that it's flickering at such a dim wattage.
You know, I really don't need to listen to the opinion...
- of whores and porn stars. - Try businesswoman,
juggling a successful career and motherhood.
And your granddaughter is doing fabulous, by the way, grandpy.
It was so cute yesterday. She said her first word,
Ram.
Despite popular opinion,
I actually work with the Hollywood elite, and I am in great demand.
Sean, you can do what you want.
You fractured your eye socket.
It's delicate work.
That's why I came to you.
You have just the right touch.
And I'll pay, of course.
I just feel terrible about this.
So, could you help us, Sean?
How you feeling?
Scared, actually.
I always think I'm going to go to sleep,
they'll put me under, and I'll never wake up.
Oh, not on my watch.
When you come out of this, you're not even going to remember
when you started to drift off.
I used to have a terrible time falling asleep, for the same reason...
The fear of never waking up.
Maybe I just never knew what I was waking up for.
Look, when this is over...
maybe it will give you a chance to sort of rethink things,
- make some better choices. - Will you help me, Sean?
I keep getting myself involved in these things that... I don't know.
You're the only one who still cares about me.
You shouldn't, after all I've done, but you do.
Don't you?
I care about you getting better.
Will you kiss me?
Just to calm me down.
After a couple of weeks, when you've healed,
we can talk about what you should do.
Sean, I don't have a couple of weeks.
Ram has me doing another movie in 6 days.
You're not doing another movie for that smut-peddler.
- You said you wanted to change. - I do,
but I don't have a choice. I signed a contract, Sean.
He owns me. That's why you have to help me.
I'll fix your face, Eden, but
that's all I can do.
OK. Count back from 10 for me.
Nice pussy.
Dr. Troy, come meet the ladies.
Marla Middleton.
Newly divorced from my third.
Catherine Wicke.
Still married, but multi-orgasmic.
Annette Wainwright.
My husband died last year in a skiing accident.
And this is Dr. Kay.
Dr. Cashman.
Hello.
And the Berkowitz twins,
Dr. Joseph and Dr. Michael.
I'm Dr. Michael. Hello.
And I'm Dr. Joseph. Good evening.
Shall we dine?
Yeah you ladies seem very close.
We are.
I mean, I...
I've known Annette since she was an "A" cup.
Last year, when I had my vagina tightened,
it was my girls here who pulled me through.
It was that damn haitian pool boy who did me in.
Jeez. This reminds me of my last husband.
The one she nicknamed "Is it in yet?"
I'm sorry. I... I don't get it.
Wait a minute.
Lulu, weren't we supposed to get that one from the tv show?
Busy.
Well, screw him, then, for not showing.
You know who needs a show?
Us.
I'll drink to that.
And to Louis Vuitton shoes...
and...
Percocet.
I mean, shit. We shop and we screw, and we screw and we shop.
Who wouldn't watch that show?
- Annette, have you lost weight? - Down 5.
I haven't had a carb since'87.
Such discipline.
Let's get down to business.
Boys, tickle our fancy with your credentials.
We graduated first...
And second... In our class at harvard.
But we'll never tell which of us finished where.
Never.
I went to Brown.
Dr. Troy.
What about you?
Well, I've never seen an S.A.T. score perform a perfect feather lift.
Frankly, I didn't go to my own graduation.
I was too busy
spraying my population paste all over the U. Of M. cheerleading squad.
Some resume. Your parents must be so proud.
You want to see my resume, stretch?
It takes
2 things to make a great surgeon...
Steady hands...
And a monster one of these.
The bigger the cock, the greater the confidence. The greater the confidence,
the better the surgeon.
This dinner is a pissing contest, and you ladies have
all the power and all the money.
You've invited us here tonight to entertain you.
So, I'm cutting straight to the chase.
Any of you boys think you can...
Trump my ace of clubs?
I wanted your next film to be set in the 18th Century.
I just think it's going to be more romantic that way.
What do you think?
I'm playing a maid in a whorehouse.
But you're the underdog,
and the audience is going to root for you.
Besides, you'll become the house madam in the end.
Yeah, after a bukakke scene
where a dozen men stand around me and spooge in my face.
That's gross. Forget it.
I'm not doing this.
Show a little goddamn gratitude.
I worked all night on this.
Eden.
Sweetie.
Kimber and I have both been around this business a lot longer than you have,
and frankly, sweetheart,
you need to pay your dues.
I paid my dues already,
and I won't be degraded like that again, not if you want me to be the star.
Star?
Darling, you're not even a wet spot in the porn industry.
I'm the star.
I've done over 50 films.
And if you want even half of what I have,
you're going to have to show me some respect.
You know what I think?
First of all...
You need to be a little more diligent with the moisturizer.
And secondly,
you want what I've got,
but you'll never be 18 again, now, will you?
I may be new at this,
but even I know that it's youth that sells porn, not nostalgia.
I'll look at the script.
Unless you're family, we don't allow visitors so soon after surgery.
Leave, now.
Sean.
We were discussing business.
Dr. McNamara. Ram peters.
Doctor, you did a fantastic job on my little girl here.
When do you think she'll be camera-ready?
Let's discuss that in private.
Don't you ever cross me again,
baby girl. You'll regret it.
What I want to know from you is what would you need to break her contract?
I don't break contracts, doctor, not with any of my girls... ever.
How much?
Why, Dr. McNamara.
You cad.
10,000? 20?
I tell you what... I got a better idea.
I have a large stable of women over 50 under contract as well.
They're not the top talent at penetrate, but they bring in the most returns.
Eddie, boy!
Guys like to see old gals pounded hard.
Guilt titles sell like wildfire.
Because of their age, I pay them a tenth of what a 20-year-old would make.
I can work them twice as hard. They love it.
I'm finding there's a solid niche market for older women,
but it's hard to find ones that keep themselves in shape at that age
and are still willing to do films.
So, you help me trim the fat, so to speak,
get a couple of my older girls in shape,
Eden's free to go.
Fine.
4 grannies... implants, lipo. That's it.
Deal?
I sure hope she's worth it.
Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
I think you're perfect.
Thank you.
You could use some microlipo on your thighs.
Maybe... maybe an ass implant.
Sock it to me, doc.
Sock it to me, doc, to me.
You have the tits of a 30-year-old.
Maybe you could go up to a double "D,"
give you that firmness back.
That was the breast-feeding.
Want to nurse me, pretty boy?
You need an eye job and a neck lift.
Maybe some botox.
Is that all?
You want more?
I didn't become plastic surgeon to the richest woman in L.A.
to be stuck on an assembly line of middle-aged tits and ass.
You're supposed to hook me up, give me the keys to the kingdom.
What an idiot.
Jesus. If any celebrity gives a shit about
where the first wives' club get their faces done--
you an pack will have to find somebody call.
I completely understand.
There's certainly nothing glamorous about
an assembly line of middle aged tits and ass.
What you need
is a surgery that will set you apart,
give you the attention you deserve as a doctor,
and as an artist.
It's a good start.
I've had a chance to watch your work, Dr. Troy,
but I've seen the results.
You're really no different than a sculptor,
chiseling away at the human form, manipulating tissue and bone.
Please, don't ever denigrate yourself.
You're not just a plastic surgeon.
You're a modern day Michelangelo.
I wouldn't go that far. Rodin, maybe.
- I'm glad that you understand. - Of course I do.
That's why I saved myself for last.
I am the canvas upon which you can truly express yourself.
And how exactly would you like to be expressed?
I want my face to reflect the duality of my nature, my...
Sensuous animal spirit. The...
Sacred feline essence within.
You want a softer, more sensual look?
Did you know that the egyptians
believed that the cat was endowed with the light of human consciousness?
They believe that the souls who had died entered into the cat,
giving it its powerful radiance. I want you...
to bring me closer to that radiance.
You want me to make you look like a cat.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not insane.
That's a relief. Whiskers and tails are really not my specialty.
Well, maybe I was wrong about you.
I thought, as an artist,
you might be able to find a way to
accentuate my more feline characteristics,
to suggest its form within mine.
Why on earth do you want this done?
If I can no longer be young,
I want my face to reflect all the wisdom and power in me.
We're extraordinary people living ordinary lives, you and I,
because no one sees us, no one really knows who we are.
You're an artist, not a mechanic.
I'm offering you a chance to prove it.
How are you feeling?
If I say I feel like crap, will you let me stay here longer?
- I can't do another porn, Sean. - You don't have to.
This is your contract with penetrate.
Tear it up.
- Did you steal this? - No.
I just talked to Ram, and he feels the same way about you I do...
that you don't belong in that business.
Sean!
Is this your way of saying you love me like I love you?
It doesn't matter how I feel. This can't happen.
No one would allow it.
You're 18.
I'm old enough to be your father.
Our families would hate us,
and business would take a dive. We'd be pariahs.
I don't give a shit about any of that. I don't. I don't care.
- What are you doing? - Making my client happy.
By turning her into Garfield?
I'm bringing out her true self.
Nose jobs, tit jobs, tummy tucks... they are all the work of a simple craftsman,
which is why Sean is so good at them.
What I am doing to this woman is art.
What you're doing is barbaric.
By the time you're done with her,
she's going to look like the side of a Hello Kitty lunchbox.
Why is wanting to look like a glamorous puma
any more strange than wanting to look like
Pamela Anderson or Angelina Jolie?
- It's all idolatry, Liz. - This surgery is nuts.
- I'm out. - Great.
Go roll your eyes at the goddamn golf course for all I care.
Look, stop panicking, Liz. She's not going to look exactly like a cat.
She's just going to have a feline essence.
Where did you get that line, out of her litter box?
- Don't mock what you don't understand. - Oh, I understand this.
There is going to be a storm of shit around this,
and I'll tell you right now, I am not going to get caught in the rain.
You a dog person, too?
Where are you, Chaz? Pick up.
Look, I need you to bring me some new magazines, my makeup,
and some good coke. Call me back, OK?
- Hello, Eden. - Jesus. You scared me.
Sorry.
Do I know you?
Well, not technically, but we're kind of in the same family.
I'm Colleen Rose, Sean's agent.
Where's Sean?
Brought you a present.
I thought you could use a special love-yourself Eden bear.
Maybe a sympathetic ear. I make these for people.
Listen.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
OK, that's creepy, and so are you.
Look.
I don't need you to make me feel better. What I need
are some more painkillers.
I was like you, you know.
Had all the boys eating out of my hand,
and the only one that I wanted
- was the one I couldn't have. - Excuse me?
When you're a mama lion, and you see a baby cub in distress,
you instinctively move to help.
You need to be told the truth.
And what might that be?
Sean doesn't love you.
And he never will.
And you know all this because?
Because there's nothing he doesn't tell me.
The males of our species are just silly, selfish, preening fools,
which you will come to understand.
My gosh.
You're totally in love with Sean.
You're a desperate old bag who has a pathetic crush on her client.
What a cliche.
Please. The whole world is in love with Sean. That's not the point.
What is the point, Colleen?
I heard Sean and Aidan talking about how they like to pass you around
and how you're quickly becoming the town pump.
And they said it in front of a lot of crewmen.
It was disgusting,
especially one grip who said, "i'd like a piece of that whore."
And Sean and Aidan laughed
and said, "we can make that happen. She'll screw anybody."
He's using you, honey,
all right? So he can feel young and viable. That's all.
He said he had feelings for me.
Yeah, feelings for your sweet sugar tits, maybe.
Not for you.
Look, I went to your defense. I said, "she's just a baby."
And they should start looking at women their own age.
But that's our sick society for you.
You're a liar.
You look at me, honey...
And tell me you really think i'm lying.
Hey, you. How's your tv show going?
Since when do you want to hear about the show?
Despite what you might think, sean,
I don't need for you to fail in order for me to be happy.
I wish you many years of success on your little tv show.
Spoken with incredible condescension.
Not at all. I have a great respect for the media.
It's not fine art, but it doesn't pretend to be,
and if it's an outlet for your creative energies...
You're doing that smug thing again.
Whenever something nice happens to you, you become the cat that ate the canary
so you can bask in your 5 minutes of superiority as long as possible.
I'm not basking in anything.
I'm just feeling newly inspired. I'm looking at my job in a new light,
like a form of self-expression, true art.
It's like I'm Michelangelo...
With a 10 blade.
Hello?
Sean? Bliss. You have to meet me at Hollywood and Highland.
Why? Is there a sale? Bliss, it's the middle of the day.
Look, I don't give a shit what time it is, OK?
This is an emergency. Your career and your reputation depend on it.
All right. I have to go.
Bliss is having a meltdown or something.
Listen, Michelangelo, I'm glad you're feeling inspired, but just rember...
The difference between a plastic surgeon and a sculptor
is the marble doesn't sue if you screw it up.
There we go. Yummy-yum.
All right.
- Oh, now, you don't need that... - Ladies.
Oh! How is she?
She can't even talk under all those bandages.
I mean, we talk and we talk, and she just nods.
It's like dinner with my husband.
I think you're going to like what you see.
Lulu!
Jesus Christ!
- What did you do to her? - Oh! You're jealous.
Let me see. Let me see.
Oh, I love it. Oh, I worship it.
I'm a hot little pussy now.
Shit. She's off her meds.
- Meds? - She's bi-polar.
Jesus, a woman asks you to turn her into frisky,
and you don't suspect there's something seriously wrong with her?
Your problem is you have too much dick and not enough brains.
I can fix this.
Yeah, well, you better, or you're going to be giving nose jobs
to homeless women on Shitter's Alley.
Come on, girls. We're out of here.
Ought to be shot.
Come on.
Hollywood and Highland?
"A," what could you possibly be doing out here? And "B," I don't believe you.
OK. The chanel makeup was 75 off, and I love a good sale. So sue me.
Now, I know this seems shocking and terrible, but I can spin it...
it is so good. Like, "vanity fair" good.
"Posing as a power player among hollywood's elite,
she was desperately hiding a secret life of
talking bears and interactions with hideous valley toddlers."
Would you excuse me a minute, please?
Colleen, what's going on? Why are you here?
It's my niece's kiosk, and i'm just filling in 'cause she was sick.
- Why? Is that wrong? - And the lies just keep on coming.
This isn't your second job, Colleen... it's your only job.
I checked with mall security. You're here, on average, 8 hours a day.
Why don't you just butt out, you stupid little barbie doll?
Oh, I knew there was something wrong with you. I just knew it!
You're just a sad little nobody with a good scam.
Yeah, well, who the hell are you to criticize me for having 2 jobs?
What, did you ever lack for attention?
OK, just spare us the "sturm und drang", honey, OK?
I checked the entire database of licensed agents, and you're not anywhere
You never were as far back as'85.
You lied about who you are. That's unforgivable.
I don't care how hard you worked. I trusted you.
Does that mean the fact that I got you the lead in "hearts and scalpels"
means nothing to you? Why, because I don't have the right piece of paper?
Do you even have any other clients?
Do you have any other clients?
You're scaring me.
I won't have you talk to me this way
when I treated you with respect.
I deserve respect, too.
Colleen, I want you to leave me alone now.
No calls, no visits, nothing.
This is the end of our relationship. Do you understand?
How did you even get on the lot, anyway? The tour?
Why? Why me?
Don't even ask, Sean, OK? She's clearly demented.
Come on.
You know I don't like it when you do that, mama.
Don't start with me about what you don't like,
not unless you want me to start complaing.
You know...
I think you're the cat's pajamas.
But this is business.
That's why I love you so much. You're a hot, sexy woman who
also understands the business side of my life...
The rewards...
Pressures.
I get it.
Just don't have to like it.
- Hi. - Hi.
- How's my baby doing? - Good.
Welcome to the family.
Go ahead. Say it. I know you want to.
Fine. I'm an idiot, OK?
- And? - And what?
You want me to get on my knees? I'm sorry.
And just so we don't get sued, the next time someone comes in here
with an outrageous request, you'll double-check their background first.
- Like you researched Colleen? - That's different.
How? She came into your office, blew smoke up your ass,
and you handed her your career, no questions asked.
You're right.
Damn, it felt good, though, getting my ego stroked like that.
It's a mental blowjob. You can sit back, relax, let them do the work
- while you get off. - It's addicting, though.
I feel like I'm in withdrawal.
You got worse problems than that, my friend. You think you're an actor.
What are you doing here, Colleen?
What have you done?
I'm calling 911.
I think that's a good idea.
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